ew_creepx

So my ears are being stupid and hate me and don't want to cooperate. I use vitamin e oil everyday and they are still really dry and flaky. Sounds gross, I know. I don't understand why they won't just be like fucking normal ears. It's so annoying. I really wanna stretch my ears up to 5/8ths soon but with the way my ears are now I don't think I should. My ears seem like they're ready to stretch because my 9/16ths flares are always falling out of my ears so yea but idk if I should or not. James said he would give me a pair of plugs and tapers when I'm ready stretch so I'm pretty happy about that.
Last night was the Emmure show and I ended up not going because of my stupid anxiety. I really wanted to go too. Its so frustrating because I really like James but my anxiety keeps getting in the way. I think I'm just destined to live in a box and be alone for the rest of my life. I feel like each day I stay in my house my anxiety gets worse. The other day my friend Kyle called and talked to Caitlin for a while and then he wanted to talk to me but I freaked out so bad. I started crying and shaking and I felt like I was gonna throw up. Luckily Kyle didn't hear any of my histerics. I feel like such an idiot. It's a phone! I shouldn't get that upset over such a little thing but I do and it seems like I won't ever be able to change. I just want to be like a normal 16 (soon to be 17! :D) year old girl who has friends and socializes all the time and goes to school and talks on the phone for hours. Unfortuantely I'm the exact opposite. I rarely socialize, my only friends are on the computer, I don't go to school (even though I need to start going again) and I never talk on the phone unless I'm forced to. I really need to be in therapy or taking medicine for my anxiety but I have no way to get to therapy. It's just like this vicious cycle. I'm anxious about leaving the house and I need to leave the house but I can't go anywhere which makes my anxiety worse. I don't know what to do anymore.



-EDIT-
SOMEONE BUY ME THIS:

so james and i have been talking more, like pretty much every night for the whole night and he's really cool. he's 19, he's in a band, he plays guitar, he listens to the same music i listen to, we're both really shy and he's really cute. i'm still not sure whether i want to go to the emmure show with him or not but i do want to hang out with him in the future. he said he's coming to newaygo this weekend and i'm like so freaked out because like what if he wants to come over or what if he wants to hang out?! omg. i hate my anxiety. >:O but yea, he's really cool. it was so cute, we were talking and yea, i'm too lazy to type it out so i'll copy and paste it:

"james " (7:03:24 AM): i wana go to bed but i still wana talk to you... lol
connor saiddd (7:03:34 AM): go to bed if you're tired lol
"james " (7:03:52 AM): nah id rather talk to you still lol

that made me smile a lot. lol. but yea. uhmmm. idk what to say now.....BLAHHHHHH.

so last night some random kid imed me and at first i was kinda creeped out because i hate talking to new people but after a few minutes i quite enjoyed talking to him. we have a shit load in common and he lives in grand rapids. now i'm not saying i'm just gonna pick up and move to grand rapids to be with this kid but i do think it would be cool to hang out with him or somehthing. he wants to take me to an emmure thats in one week. i felt kinda bad because i mean, i wanna go to the show but i don't really know him and it would be so awkward so i was coming up with excuses on why i probably couldn't go. whenever i made an excuse he figured out something that would work. >_____< damnit, you're not supposed to make things work. lol. kidding. it was really cool to talk to him because idk why but for most of the conversation i was second guessing what i had said which i often do when talking to other people. we talked for so long. he imed me at 2:19:31 AM and we stopped talking at 5:56:39 AM. thats like a record for me. usually i end up losing interest in the conversation and lie about leaving. so yea. all in all last night was pretty cool. hopefully him and i get to hang out or something. :]


blah. i'm so bored. :|

blah. so i haven't updated this thing in forever. uhmm. things suck majorly. i live in the worst place ever. i'm single. we have no money and no car. shits weak.

So this kid who I really really liked lead me on and completely fucked me over. He would say I'm cute and call me baby and stuff like that. I totally believed him. I thought that for once someone actually liked me but no, I was sorely mistaken. I got a comment in my "truth box" on myspace and it said "stop thinking i like you cuz i really dont and u copying all this stuff from me is really fucking annoying damnit.". I know it was him because I left a comment on one of his pictures that said something like "I want your shirt" or "I love your shirt", something of that nature and apparently that is copying him. I hate falling for people so fast. I really need to learn to just be friends with people. Life would be so much easier if I wasn't always crushing on someone. I can't help it though. It just happens and then I realize it and I try to stop it but I can't. It's stupid. I just want to find a boy that I'm happy with and that likes me for me and just stay with him forever. HA. Like that will happen.

So I'm bored and haven't updated in a while so I decided to update this shizzz.

Ok well things are a little better yet not at the same time. My mom has been off drugs for a couple weeks now. I thought i was going to be so happy that she is off drugs but I'm not. She is always in pain and would normally rely on the drugs to help but since she can't take them she just suffers. I feel like it's my fault that she is in this much pain. If I hadn't freaked out about her being on painkillers she wouldn't be in this much pain. I just wish that the doctors could figure out why she's in so much pain. :/

I'm still not in school. I really need to go back soon. I have this whole plan figured out that I'm gonna do. I'm gonna continue therapy for my social anxiety, go back to school very soon, get a job soon, finish this school year up, do drivers training this summer, hopefully have enough money to buy a cheap used car, go to school next year, work my ass of to earn enough credit to graduate next year, buy a laptop and cell phone with saved up money from my job, look for a job and apartment in Grand Rapids and move down there. I seriously need to get out of Newaygo. There is nothing here. I don't have any friends here, there are barely any jobs, the schools suck, we have to drive 20 minutes to get to an actual store [aka Walmart] and I hate the house we live in. Our house used to be our grandparents so everything reminds me of my grandpa who passed away last year. Also, when you take a fucking step everything squeaks. I hate it. Although I can't stand where I live I'm extremely scared of being on my own. I have horrible social anxiety and can barely go out of my house without getting anxious. Hopefully therapy will help and by the end of next year I will be able to control my anxiety. Anyways, back to my plan. I told my sister about my plan and asked if she would want to maybe move in with me while I get settled and used to Grand Rapids and she was like "Why should I spend my money on living with you when I just want to move out of Michigan in general?". I know I probably shouldn't have but I got really upset when she said that. It was kinda like she said "I don't give a fuck about you and your stupid little plan I just want to get as far away from you and mom as possible". I know thats how she feels. We're constantly fighting and she's constantly telling me how much she hates me. I've always looked up to my sister and it sucks knowing that she hates me.

Blah...


So I've been single for almost a year now. I hate it. [Yet another reason why I need to get out of Newaygo] What's worse is that I'm sorta crushing on someone at the moment. A while ago we were talking about he was talking about how cute I was and stuff and then he started calling me baby and then the next day he acted like he never said any of those things. Like the conversation was just like any other conversation. And then a few days ago he did the same thing and just like before the conversations are just like any other every day conversation so now I'm kinda confused. I don't know if he actually likes me or if he's just leading me on. I hate when guys lead girls on. It's so mean and it totally fucks with their heads and their hearts so guys DON'T LEAD GIRLS ON!


Blah....


I can't think of anything else to write.


-_______________-

so i know this guy and we've been friends for a while and i like him a lot. and like 4 or 5 moths ago his girlfriend moved to texas and so they broke up. he had been talking to her off and on for a while and then they stopped talking. well the other day he was bitching about how he hadn't talked to her and then she just started talking to him again and how she got a new boyfriend. i wasn't really sure what to say so i didn't really say anything. but anyways so today i go to his myspace and his top friend is the girl he used to date and it said that he's in a relationship so i assumed that he was going out with her again. i think that is such a bad idea because 1. she's a bitch [according to him] 2. they live really far away and 3. he's got a whole bunch of stress in his life right now so i don't think adding even more stress is gonna help. i just want him to be happy. idk. 

so i added some kid and he approved my friend request and commented me and was like "who are you?" and i was like "i'm connor" [because i am indeed connor lol] and he was like "i can read, i'm not retarded unlike you" so now i'm kinda wondering why he think i'm retarded because he doesn't even know me. people are just assholes and it's really getting to me. and there's like no need for someone to be a douche. 

so apparently my mom wasn't using the drugs i talked about in my previous entry, she was just throwing them away. at first i didn't believe her but then she seemed really sincere about it so i believed her.

oh and also i was gonna talk to my mom about getting a tattoo for my 17th birthday and she flipped out. i mean i already have the design for my tattoo, i know where on my body i wanna get it [plus i wanna get it on my ankle so it's not uber visible], i already know what shop i wanna get it at and i know how to take care of tattoos so it's not like it's gonna get infected or anything. it's bullshit that she won't let me get a tattoo. i mean, she let me get piercings all over and she let me stretch my ears so why can't i get a tattoo? it's not fucking fair. it's my body i should be able to do what i want to it. plus on top of everything else my tattoo is something i will never ever regret. it represents my love for music and i will never stop loving music. i play four instruments and i want to learn more so it's not like once i get this tattoo i'm gonna completely hate music. and to add one more thing, my tattoo is tasteful, it's not some slutty tramp stamp or anything. arggg. it pisses me off so much.

i can't believe i actually thought she was gonna stop doing drugs? boy was i wrong. she flat out lied to my face. and i believed her. that's the last time i believe anything she says. i thought she was really gonna change. i guess not.